Caught red-handed.
Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed
When I was a teenager, I stole a lot. I'm talking thousands of dollars of clothes from H&M and books from Barnes & Noble. When I turned 18, I stopped because I knew I could do some serious time. (And honestly, the idea of my my mother finding out I was a shoplifter and how hard her heart would break was too much to bear).
When I was a junior in college, after a few years of not shoplifting, my roommate asked me to get her some Head and Shoulders while I was at Stop and Shop. When I asked her for money, she said, "Just take it!"
I figured, sure, why not? All I needed was some acidophilus for a dog I was dog-sitting, so it's not like I was stealing A LOT.
SO.
I went to Stop and Shop (a grocery store that most of my college went to and that I went to at least once and week), dropped the shampoo and acidophilus in my bag, and walked out. An employee came charging at me in the parking lot and, before I had time to run, he dragged me inside by my arm, past a lot of my college mates, and brought me into a back room. I immediately let the water works flow and told them I've never stolen in my life and my roommate put me up to it. They told me my roommate was a scumbag and, when they saw how tall I was on my ID, asked if I played basketball. I told them yes, I was the forward on the ladies team at my college. (LIE. THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK MORE INNOCENT. IT WORKED.)
They didn't press charges, but they did take my photo and hung it up in their office. I was on Stop and Shop probation or something for like a year.
I wouldn't dare steal (except from CVS, whatever), but my sister once worked at a supermarket and there was this shady-looking fellow walking around conspicuously in a novelty 10-gallon hat. Upon closer inspection of this fellow, my sister noticed he had blood streaks pouring down his face. She alerted the manager, who then asked Blood Streaks to remove his hat. Underneath it was a entire POT ROAST!
One time I stole a bed frame. It was sitting in the hallway of a building I had just moved into in college. It was clearly a new, simple frame from Ikea, freshly assembled, but it was out there for like an hour, so I convinced myself that someone was throwing it away and took it. I literally slept on a bed of lies for a year.
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