Let’s get *down* to business. (Cough).
Where am I?
Fairly sure I took a left at the labia minora, then a couple of rights...OK, now I'm just lost. It's dark and it's bumpy and I'm starting to panic. Should've left a trail of breadcrumbs. What's that? HELP ME.
Now that you mention it, I AM starting to feel lightheaded. Probably shouldn't do a big gasp. Do you actually need oxygen to survive? Also, why is it so humid down here? It's like a greenhouse. A really sexy greenhouse. Now I want a tomato.
Giphy / Via bestgifreaction.tumblr.com
Quite a bush you've got there...
This is not the painfully-waxed landing strip I was expecting. This is a sideways Brian Blessed. "I'M BRIAN BLESSED", booms sideways Brian Blessed. Also, this is big. This is a lot of undergrowth. If I do manage to machete my way through this I will demand to be forever known as the Indiana Jones of pussy eating.
imgur / Via imgur.com
Oh, I didn't get a Brian Blessed, I got a stubbly Bradley Cooper. Hello, friction. Hello, itchy-scratchy sandpaper facial scrub. Is this what it's like to lick a pumice stone? This is how fires start. Maybe this is how fire was discovered. If I carry on much longer it's going to start looking like I put lipstick on in the dark. They will call me Clown Face and they will be right.